So let’s skip back a few thousand years to February 14 where a young Catholic Priest was martyred for goodness knows what…all I can be sure of is that there must have been lots of blood and guts, perhaps even some cheering from a few Roman soldiers. Skip forward to 2012 and what is about to happen this coming Tuesday is much worse: the annual celebration of Valentine’s Day.
I remember shaking in my scuffed Toughies in my first year of high school as the tacky plastic roses were handed out, some girls getting up to ten roses.
“TEN ROSES! You are thirteen and you got ten roses!” I thought the envy taking a hold of me.
“I bet you let ten different boys touch your boobs,” I thought trying to justify the unfairness of my situation while looking down at my flat chest, making a mental note to stuff my bra with some tissues the next time a went out.
“Plus I mean all that wasted plastic that you won’t recycle! You are the sole cause for global warming!”
I remember my ears pricked up as I heard my name being called across the classroom: “Anna-Belle…Anna-Belle!”
“A rose for me? One tacky plastic bright red rose for me? Surely one rose wouldn’t affect global warming that much?” I recall being so excited about my one stupid rose and parading it around all day by attaching it to my school bag so the petals poked out for everyone to see. I recently found out that the boy who sent me the rose came out to his parents a few years back…of course I got my first valentine from a gay man.
Anyways Valentine’s Day in school was just a popularity contest, who got the most roses was usually relative to the amount of hand jobs the particular girl had given…or was going to give at the St John’s Valentines social.
Valentine’s Day now days is just a flurry of vulgar white teddy bears followed by awkward sex later on that night between two people pretending to love each other just for the day, excluding of course those couples that actually do love each other. But even you couples that do actually care for one another have a little originality, please.
No woman is going to be impressed by a shitty teddy bear …diamonds will however be accepted.
No man is going to be impressed by silky boxers with hearts on…and to be honest no grown man should be wearing silky boxers.
It’s all been done before; have a little originality and show the person you love all the time not just on the days you feel obliged to.
To be honest if you celebrate Valentine’s Day you are celebrating slave labour…where do you think that card screeching a recording of ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ came from.
I say lets go back to the original Valentine’s Day celebrations, I choose blood and guts over shitty clichés any day.