I had a dream last night you died. I woke up missing you

I’m sitting here wondering if it’s possible to miss someone I never really knew, or did I?

I probably didn’t ever really know you anyway, because if I find it nearly impossible to show someone the “me inside’ then surely other people must struggle also.  I wonder if I don’t even know myself, did I even begin to know you?

Perhaps life is just that we need to know others to know ourselves…or it’s the complete opposite…we need to know others to completely know ourselves.  What I do know is when we sat together and at times that’s all it really was I didn’t have to pretend, I could let the walls that they teach us about down.

I could let them down more than I knew was even possible. Not all the way down but just enough so you could see over the top. Perhaps you didn’t get a full view, perhaps you never will because their foundations go deep, deeper than even I care to dig. Trust me you will not want to dig that far either. But I wanted to show you what lay beyond, perhaps I did, perhaps you even saw it and loved it…or hated it.

But I’ll never know…or will I? Because fear crept in and I bowed down to it, retreated into the corner I had tried so hard to emerge from. I was kicked back into the shadows, again and again.

Again and again I failed not only myself but I failed your innocence. It failed both of us. Or maybe you didn’t even notice. Was I just one of your fleeting moments, because we both know you had…have… many of those.

Fear creeps in again now, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach rendering me unable to think, to move, to love… or even like. What if I never made any impact in your life…the way you did in mine. I’m not even sure you will ever know because chances are I will never let you.  I can’t let you…or anyone for that matter because if I do then then there’s nothing left to protect and besides being afraid that’s what I’m good at.

I had a dream last night you died. I woke up missing you…or was it the me I was with you?

The idea of redemption…

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You’ve made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
And moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
Well you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

Social Me…please!

Okay so I just discovered one of the most fantastic things hidden in a nice little corner of the internet!

Social Me gives insights to ‘who you are’ by analysing your Facebook posts and friends. It’s pretty interesting. Apparently I swear more than 88% of people (oopsy) AND I have posted more words than Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, which has a total of 36,363 words… I wish I could be this dedicated to my blog!

So it won’t really tell me who I am exactly …there is  no app for that just yet but it sure is interesting and fun to do!

So what are you waiting for find out ‘who you are’ right here!