I had a dream last night you died. I woke up missing you

I’m sitting here wondering if it’s possible to miss someone I never really knew, or did I?

I probably didn’t ever really know you anyway, because if I find it nearly impossible to show someone the “me inside’ then surely other people must struggle also.  I wonder if I don’t even know myself, did I even begin to know you?

Perhaps life is just that we need to know others to know ourselves…or it’s the complete opposite…we need to know others to completely know ourselves.  What I do know is when we sat together and at times that’s all it really was I didn’t have to pretend, I could let the walls that they teach us about down.

I could let them down more than I knew was even possible. Not all the way down but just enough so you could see over the top. Perhaps you didn’t get a full view, perhaps you never will because their foundations go deep, deeper than even I care to dig. Trust me you will not want to dig that far either. But I wanted to show you what lay beyond, perhaps I did, perhaps you even saw it and loved it…or hated it.

But I’ll never know…or will I? Because fear crept in and I bowed down to it, retreated into the corner I had tried so hard to emerge from. I was kicked back into the shadows, again and again.

Again and again I failed not only myself but I failed your innocence. It failed both of us. Or maybe you didn’t even notice. Was I just one of your fleeting moments, because we both know you had…have… many of those.

Fear creeps in again now, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach rendering me unable to think, to move, to love… or even like. What if I never made any impact in your life…the way you did in mine. I’m not even sure you will ever know because chances are I will never let you.  I can’t let you…or anyone for that matter because if I do then then there’s nothing left to protect and besides being afraid that’s what I’m good at.

I had a dream last night you died. I woke up missing you…or was it the me I was with you?